Helping Yourself Heal From Trauma by Modifying Expectations

There’s an old saying that when you fall off a horse, the best thing to do is get back on it and try again. That may work some of the time, but not if you’ve broken an arm or a hip! Even if the injury is less severe, it may be best to stop or alter your plan for the day. Injuries caused by psychological trauma are invisible, but still very real, and going back to business as usual may not be the best course of action.

Because psychological injuries are invisible, it can be hard to determine their nature or severity, or how to respond to them. Usually all you have to go on is the way you feel. You may notice certain symptoms crop up, such as hopelessness, guilt, rumination, heightened startle response, hypervigilance, difficulty concentrating and fatigue. Or you might start questioning your previous hopes, dreams or personal identity. We know that certain events can be extremely stressful or even traumatic, such as a divorce or breakup, loss of a job, injury, illness or betrayal. Any of these events could cause invisible injuries that need time, adjustments and sometimes treatment to heal.

If you suspect that you have post traumatic symptoms, you may also notice that your old methods of coping with life may not work as well. For example, if you are a mind over matter kind of person, you may tend to ignore or push through painful symptoms to keep up with work or other responsibilities. This may have worked well in the past, but if, after a trauma, the symptoms persist or get worse, it’s time to consider changing or modifying your coping style.

Modifying expectations can be extremely helpful in the aftermath of a trauma or life altering event. There is overwhelming evidence that psychological trauma can cause physical changes in the levels of certain chemicals (neurotransmitters) and the size of certain structures in our brains. These changes make it very difficult or impossible to perform at your previous level of functioning, usually for a few weeks or months. Fortunately, the brain has an amazing ability to heal, and in many cases, the changes are not permanent. Rest, support from family and friends, reduced stress and therapy can all help towards a full or best possible recovery.

Tips for modifying and implementing changes to your expectations

1. Honor your symptoms and feel your feelings. Our feelings help us to know what our needs are. If you are experiencing PTS, then you need to reduce stress (usually in proportion to the severity of your symptoms) and make time and space for your recovery. Honoring symptoms does not mean that you believe all of your negative thoughts. Having more negative or distorted thoughts is a common symptom of PTS. Honoring symptoms means to accept that they are there for a reason, even if the reason is not clear yet.

2. Somethings gotta give. Make a list of all of your activities and responsibilities. Decide which are priorities and which can be cut or reduced. Also make note of the areas where you feel the most impact from the trauma (for example, if the event happened on the job, you may notice more flashbacks when you are at work). Or certain activities are harder than others because of the nature of your symptoms. Depending on the severity of your symptoms, your doctor may encourage some time off or modifications to your duties or hours. In many cases, continuing to work provides structure and a sense of normalization and usefulness that can be helpful towards your recovery. Finding a balance is key.

3. Offload or simplify things like cooking and cleaning and any task that is not absolutely necessary. Get help from family to reduce stress over everyday tasks, increase childcare or other forms of paid help to the extent that you can reasonably afford it.

4. Practice saying “no” to requests and demands from others, especially when they are not essential. This may be a hard skill to learn while in the aftermath of a trauma, but sometimes necessity is the mother of invention. If you already have limit setting skills, this is the time to use them.

5. Consider reexamining your expectations of life and others. Trying to make sense of life altering events through the lens of our existing philosophy doesn’t always work. Part of recovery from post traumatic stress symptoms involves making adaptations and modifications to our current philosophies to make better sense of this new experience. For example, if you have been betrayed by someone you love, it may take time and effort to more fully understand how this could happen, especially when you are also convinced that the person loves you or loved you at the time. Don’t settle for a simplified answer to this question. Usually, our philosophies or paradigms have to shift towards being more complex to make sense of an event like this.

Healing from trauma takes time and patience and a lot of acceptance. Giving yourself time and space to heal can make a huge difference in your recovery.

Thanks for reading! If you would like to learn more about my psychotherapy services, contact me for a free 15 minute consultation.