Antidepressant Thinking in Action: How to Manage All or Nothing Thinking in Everyday Life

I’m writing this in part because many of my clients over the years have struggled or continue to struggle with all or nothing thinking. Feelings of hopelessness, guilt, contempt (for self or others), habits of avoidance, and patterns of criticism and defensiveness in relationships are often rooted in polarized thinking. I use the same tips (below) to challenge and modify my own patterns of all or nothing thinking, and find them helpful, especially over time.

Depression has numerous underlying causes, but it is well known that certain patterns of belief can cause or contribute to the length and severity of an episode. From a CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) perspective, “all or nothing thinking” is number one on the list of cognitive distortions that contribute to depression (and anxiety). One example of all or nothing thinking might be the thought: “I can’t finish working in the yard until it’s all done.” Another example might be: “I wasn’t going to drink tonight, but since I’ve had one, I might as well just keep going”. Perfectionism and labeling (calling yourself derogatory names) are extreme versions of all or nothing thinking. Overgeneralizing is similar as well; these tips can help with that too.

5 ways to loosen the grip of all or nothing thinking

1. Identify the all or nothing thought (also known as Metacognition). There are a few ways to do this, and you can experiment with what works best for you. Notice if you are using words like “always”, “never”, “should”, or labels like “failure”, “idiot” or “stupid” to describe yourself or something you’ve done. Another way is to start with feelings. Feelings of guilt, hopelessness, self-hate, or blame are usually triggered by all or nothing thoughts (often perfectionistic thoughts). You can also start with behaviors: procrastination, avoidance or pushing yourself to extremes are almost always triggered by all or nothing thoughts. If you are starting with a feeling or behavior, you can then trace it back to the triggering thought by brainstorming (writing down possible thoughts) until you find an all or nothing thought to work on.

2. Try thinking in shades of gray. This is the most direct antidote to black and white thinking. I have found this especially helpful when I’m tired but want to feel some sense of accomplishment. For example, instead of doing your full exercise routine, try walking for 10 minutes. Give yourself a pat on the back for practicing the “shade of gray”. If you think your husband “never does anything around the house”, try thinking of times that he did do something. If you are afraid to try a new recipe because it might not work out, tell yourself that it will likely be less than 75% acceptable, but at least you will learn something in the process that will help for the next time. Using percentages helps to bring the assessment into a shade of gray. Yes, there are situations where you want to be “perfect” or at least achieve a very high standard. A wedding, for example, will never be perfect, but you can increase the odds of a great outcome by doing extra preparation, hiring experienced people, etc. Scaling down on a project to focus on a goal of excellence over magnitude is another realistic way to increase the odds of a higher percentage point in that shade of gray. Remember that a lot of things in life can be “good enough”, which makes more room for your priorities.

3. Define terms: This is a direct antidote to labeling. I once saw a slogan on a wall that said: “failure is an event, not a person”. If you failed to get an A or a B on a paper, that does not mean that you are a “failure”. Write down in more detail your definition of failure and look at the specific reasons for the outcome. Maybe you were rushed or tired while writing it, or didn’t understand the assignment fully, maybe the teacher was biased. When you get more specific, it fuels hope that you can learn something useful from the experience, which is really the best we can do when it comes to dealing with the past.

4. Get to know your inner critic. We all have one, and as far as I know, there is no getting rid of it. You can use metacognition to help create some distance and discernment when it comes to understanding and responding to that inner voice. Over time, you can even help the voice become more compassionate or at least respectful. I think of the critic as a young, overly rational (but not very wise) part of our psyche that develops early on to help keep us safe (more complex than that, but in brief). There are other theories that might work better for you, but I do think it is helpful to see that the critic has blind spots, a lot of them. If you write down what the critic is saying you will start to see those blind areas, usually in the realm of our emotional needs and other complexities of reality, such as competing needs and demands. Unfortunately, that critical voice tends to kick us when we are down, so in the midst of heightened stress, illness or depression, it tries to whip us into shape in the only way it knows how.

5. Be the wise person in response to the critical voice (in other words, fill in the blind spots that the critic misses). “Wise mind” is concept used in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which is the area where “rational mind” and “emotional mind” overlap. When we push ourselves too hard and neglect to consider our emotional needs in a situation, we are on the rational side of the spectrum. If we neglect our duties because we “don’t feel like doing it” we are probably on the emotional mind side (also known as “emotional reasoning” in CBT). An example of being the wise person would be to tell the critic: “I am not a failure because I made a mistake, the situation was difficult, and I did the best I could at the time”.

These are just a few of many ways to respond to all or nothing thinking in your daily life. If it seems overwhelming to try to incorporate them all at once, try starting with just one for a few weeks before you add another one. It is important to write down the polarized thoughts and your wiser, more realistic responses on paper. The more often you do it, the more it will become a habit. Responding to polarized thoughts in this way will not always make you feel better right away, but it may help you to make a better behavioral choice. Feeling better happens gradually (with peaks and valleys!) when we develop the habit over time.

Thanks for reading! If you are interested in learning more about my psychotherapy services, please contact me for a free 15 minute consultation.