Navigating the Connection vs. Autonomy Dilemma: Tips to Create More Balance in Your Relationships

The term “dialectical dilemma” is one of my favorite concepts central to DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). I find that it is enormously useful for defining more clearly a problem that feels impossible to solve. Once a problem is defined, it is much easier to navigate and improve, even if it can’t be completely solved.

CATCH 22

A Dialectical Dilemma is like a “Catch 22”, in other words, a no-win situation which happens in relationships where there are competing or opposing needs and demands. Connection vs. Autonomy (also known as integration/separation or Mutuality/Individuality) is one of the most common dilemmas that couples face, but it exists in all kinds of close relationships. By its very nature, this dilemma cannot be fully resolved. There will always be times when you are giving more than you are getting. There will always be times when one side is neglected over the other. It is also normal to shift your position on the continuum depending on the situation and other factors. When things get too far out of balance or stuck, the tips below (borrowed in part from DBT and the Gottman Research-Based approach to Marital Therapy) may be helpful.

EXAMPLES OF CONNECTION VS AUTONOMY DILEMMAS

• I want us to work as a team vs. it’s easier to do the project by myself

• I want to help us (or you) financially vs. I need to take care of myself financially

• I want to spend time with you vs. I need time for myself

• I need you to help me feel better vs. I know how to soothe myself without your help

• I want to please you sexually vs. I have my own sexual preferences

• I want to avoid conflict with you by going along with your plan vs. I’d like to go with a plan that I like better

• I’m preoccupied with your feelings and needs vs. I’m preoccupied with own feelings and needs

• I’m willing to apologize for more than my share to help reduce conflict vs. I don’t want to make myself vulnerable by apologizing, even when I am partially at fault

TIPS FOR NAVIGATING THE CONNECTION VS. AUTONOMY DILEMMA

1) Define what the specific problem is and where you are on the spectrum. Some of us tend to neglect our own needs to preserve or enhance our relationships. This might be described as codependency, especially at the extreme end of the spectrum. Some of us neglect our relationships because of our individual needs or demands. Most of us swing back and forth a bit, from one side to the other depending on the situation. If the swings are extreme, or if you are stuck in an extreme position, there will likely be more conflict, pain, or loneliness in your life and relationships. There are, of course, situations that demand an extreme position; for example, you may neglect your own needs for a while to care for a partner with a severe illness. In the short term, this may be the best, most realistic solution, but if the situation persists, it can become a challenge to keep up.

2) Start with small steps to shift your position on the dialectic. If your goal is to shift towards the individuality side of the continuum, you could start by using “I” more than “we” in your conversations and thoughts. You could also work on being more mindful of your feelings throughout the day. Our feelings help us to discover our needs, and from there, how to get our needs met. Learn and begin practicing assertiveness skills to help set boundaries. If your goal is to shift towards the mutuality side of the continuum, you could start with using “we” more than “I” in your conversations and thoughts, practice empathizing with your partner (or significant person in your life) by listening to them carefully, asking questions to clarify and imagine being in their shoes. Practice giving a little more than receiving.

3) Discover your dream within the conflict. John Gottman, who developed the Research-Based Approach to Marital Therapy, describes what he calls “unsolvable problems” as related to “dreams within conflict”. These dreams are related to their individual values, important life experiences, and personality. When people are in a gridlocked position, they are clinging so tightly to their dream that it’s very hard to hear or consider the feelings and needs of their partner. When the focus shifts towards fully understanding one another’s dreams rather than trying to “solve” the problem, they can move from gridlock to dialogue. This is best done with the guidance of a couples therapist but could also be helpful to use this technique on your own or in your individual therapy. Understanding ourselves can go a long way towards achieving more harmony and balance in our relationships.

4) Honor both sides of the dialectic by defining areas of flexibility. Compromises are necessary in relationships but work best when you find ways to be flexible that don’t crush your core values. For example, if friendship and community is high up on your values list, but your partner wants more time with just you, find a compromise that allows you to spend a certain amount of time alone with your partner and perhaps see friends a little less often or more often during certain occasions. (“defining areas of flexibility” as well as “Dreams Within Conflict” are more thoroughly explained in John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work).

5) Watch out for extreme swings on the dialectic. This happens often when a person lacks awareness of their feelings and needs, subverts them too much, and then swings to the other side when the frustration and deprivation becomes intolerable. It also happens when people don’t take responsibility for their feelings and behaviors, but instead, tend to blame the other person for their choices. Individual therapy is probably the best resource to help with this, but in general, building awareness, ownership and consistent mindfulness of your feelings and needs can go a long way towards managing these swings.

These are just a few tips for managing this universal dilemma in relationships, and I hope to add more in another blog. At times it may feel like you are navigating a ship between strong currents and a rocky shore. Clarifying the dilemma can be enormously validating and help guide the way towards next steps.

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